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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 2, 2006 13:12:02 GMT
Your life story, I thought my, lmao... I guess it will fix some of us, lol....
Andy I bet you do ;D. Every other word will be blanked, roflmao..
Angel
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 2, 2006 15:45:09 GMT
Here is one that we all heard at one time or other. If you have children you are using now, lol....I know I used #25
Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get home"
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 4, 2006 0:16:35 GMT
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced he Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them and say "oh yes I do!"
(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)
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Post by aperratt on Jun 4, 2006 0:29:40 GMT
lmao ;D ;D
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 4, 2006 23:47:10 GMT
huh, you liked that one Andy, lollllll ;D
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Post by aperratt on Jun 5, 2006 2:00:12 GMT
Yup, made me chuckle.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 3:29:42 GMT
Showering Tips For Men And Women
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire package in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash face, then armpits.
Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire package again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your package, and go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 14:03:21 GMT
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" Client: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Tech: "What sort of trouble?" Client: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Tech: "Went away?" Client: "They disappeared."
Tech: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Client: "Nothing."
Tech: "Nothing?" Client: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Tech: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Client: "How do I tell?"
Tech: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" Client:"What's a sea-prompt?"
Tech: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" Client: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Tech: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Client: "What's a monitor?"
Tech: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Client: "I don't know."
Tech: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Client: "Yes, I think so."
Tech: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Client: ".......Yes, it is."
Tech: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Client: "No."
Tech: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Client: "....... Okay, here it is."
Tech: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your Computer." Client: "I can't reach."
Tech: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Client: "No."
Tech: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Client: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Tech: "Dark?" Client: "Yes...the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Tech: "Well, turn on the office light then." Client: "I can't."
Tech: "No? Why not?" Client: "Because there's a power outage."
Tech: "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Client: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Tech: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Client: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Tech: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Client: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Tech: "Tell them you're too @#*?! stupid to own a computer!"
Boy and I thought I was bad, lollllll
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Post by Gerda on Jun 5, 2006 17:27:09 GMT
I always have to laugh to tears at your jokes. With the best will of the world, I can't believe, one can be that dumb.
Do you know why IQ in Japan is very high?
They have no blonds around.
Why a blond takes her dog to work?
Two know more than one.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 17:47:23 GMT
Gerda, the blond jokes, lollll.... Good one. Glad I can give you a good laugh, I love laughter. Plus it's good for you ;D
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 17:55:59 GMT
Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What Power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support ?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. " I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
after I read this one, I sure felt good about myself. roflmao
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Post by Gerda on Jun 5, 2006 19:11:38 GMT
This is too bad. Needed a handkerchief break at 5 and another at 8. Try to read the rest in a blue mood. Why walks a dumb blond on her toes along the medicine box? She does not want to make the sleeping pills awake. What is the agreement between a dumb blond and the internet backbone? You don't know the use of it until it goes flat. I don't know what "internet backbone" means. I know "internet" and I know "backbone". But the combination doesn't make sence to me. I'm blond. lol. I just put in Dutch jokes in the language translater and adjust them to what I think is proper English. This is the original text, so you can try it yourself: Wat is de overeenkomst tussen een dom blondje en de internet backbone? Je weet niet wat je eraan hebt totdat het plat gaat.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 21:33:16 GMT
That is so funny. I don't know what an interent backbone is either..and I'm not blond. But I have people telling me I should be because I can do so blond things , lol....All blonds out there this is just in fun.... The way all these jokes are going you would think that we were sneaking into the v&v room behind andy's back and hitting into them . LOL . We are really relaxing now....
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Post by Gerda on Jun 5, 2006 21:59:39 GMT
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 22:12:22 GMT
***You've Got Mail!*** A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
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Post by aperratt on Jun 5, 2006 23:19:53 GMT
I love the "WordPerfect helpline" and the "TC ("Technologically Challenged")" ones. Pinky and I know someone who fits the bill on all accounts!!
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Post by aperratt on Jun 5, 2006 23:21:52 GMT
The way all these jokes are going you would think that we were sneaking into the v&v room behind andy's back and hitting into them. Anybody who knows me will tell you that no-one can sneak past me into the v & v room. I live in there!!
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 5, 2006 23:51:30 GMT
I love the "WordPerfect helpline" and the "TC ("Technologically Challenged")" ones. Pinky and I know someone who fits the bill on all accounts!! Could that be me , lollll Caught you sleeping ;D ;D ;D
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Post by aperratt on Jun 6, 2006 0:18:56 GMT
Actually it wasn't you angel.
And I was awake....just resting my eyes!
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 6, 2006 13:41:28 GMT
Ohhhhhhhhhh, ok ;D
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