|
Post by delphine on Jan 7, 2009 15:54:06 GMT
That's a good one
|
|
|
Post by aperratt on Jan 12, 2009 23:55:30 GMT
I know I have been pretty mean to all you blondes in the past so, as a new year resolution, I am going to change. I have been doing research on "Blonde Bimbos - Not As Dumb As They Look" and have realised that my past teasing has been unwarranted. In fact, I have discovered that blondes have actually invented some very clever stuff. Here are just a few of them: 1. The Motorbike Ashtray 2. The Chocolate Teapot 3. The waterproof towel 4. A Solar-powered flashlight 5. A submarine screen door 6. A book on how to read 7. The Inflatable dartboard 8. A dictionary index 9. A helicopter ejector seat 10. Powdered water And the most useful invention to date:11. The Pedal-powered wheelchair So sorry girls, never again will I tease all you clever blondes!!
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Jan 13, 2009 0:08:19 GMT
ROFLMAO, that is a good one Andy...
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Jan 13, 2009 0:11:08 GMT
SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET IT TONIGHT!
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would
embarrass her whenever
she came into the apartment with a
man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities,
always leading
off with, "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation,
Marilyn went to her local pet shop and
explained her parrot problem to
the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot,
too. I don't
have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could
borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took
the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was
immediately obvious that
the parrot didn't care for the owl.
He glared at it. That night, Marilyn
wasn't her usual
nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen
friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot
screech, and she
knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's
gonna get it
tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?"
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bit**!"
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Feb 3, 2009 15:46:24 GMT
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe two and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watches him drink it.
Then my mom talks to my dad, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
|
|
|
Post by texaspelican on Feb 3, 2009 17:30:01 GMT
OMG as soon as I fget through laughing I am going to email this to my sister and cousin. They need a good laugh. Hope you don't mind. thanks
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Feb 3, 2009 22:55:10 GMT
Everyone is welcome to use the jokes and poems that are posted here...they are here to enjoy and have fun and yes to share...
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Feb 5, 2009 13:31:53 GMT
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'
|
|
|
Post by aperratt on Feb 8, 2009 8:18:21 GMT
Paddy was late for a very important meeting and was frantically circling the car park trying to get a space.
In desperation he says "Oh dear Lord, if you can hear me, please give me a parking space. I promise I'll go to mass every week and I'll even give up me whisky"
Suddenly a space appears just off to his left. Paddy says "Ah, it's ok, forget that, I've found one"!
|
|
|
Post by aperratt on Feb 8, 2009 8:27:07 GMT
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "I dont tink so. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"T'hell with dis lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus with his parrotshooting. .. And now Sean and his hengliding"!!
|
|
|
Post by aperratt on Feb 8, 2009 8:30:24 GMT
THE IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery...... ......... ......... . The study of paintings. Bacteria.... ......... ......... . Back door to cafeteria. Barium...... ......... ......... .. What doctors do when patients die. Benign...... ......... ......... What you be, after you be eight. Caesarean Section..... ...A neighbourhood in Rome .. Catscan..... ......... ......... .. Searching for Kitty. Cauterize... ......... ......... .. Made eye contact with her. Colic....... ......... ......... .. A sheep dog. Coma........ ......... ......... . A punctuation mark. Dilate...... ......... ......... . To live long. Enema....... ......... ......... .. Not a friend. Fester...... ......... ......... .. Quicker than someone else. Fibula...... ......... ......... . A small lie. Impotent.... ......... ......... . Distinguished, well known. Labour Pain........ ......... ....Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff....... ......... ..... A Doctor's cane. Morbid...... ......... ......... ... A higher offer. Nitrates.... ......... ......... . Cheaper than day rates. Node........ ......... ......... . I knew it. Outpatient.. ......... ......... . A person who has fainted. Pelvis...... ......... ......... . Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative... ......... ..... A letter carrier. Recovery Room........ ........Place to do upholstery. Rectum...... ......... ......... . Nearly killed him. Secretion... ......... ......... . Hiding something. Seizure..... ......... ......... . Roman emperor. Tablet...... ......... ......... ... A small table. Terminal Illness..... ......... . Getting sick at the airport. Tumour...... ......... ......... ..One plus one more. Urine....... ......... ......... . Opposite of you're out
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Mar 10, 2009 14:40:24 GMT
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Mar 19, 2009 13:04:07 GMT
Entertainment at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHI*!", said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
|
|
|
Post by angelwings13 on Apr 11, 2009 21:58:46 GMT
Casino Nudity
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed......
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!"
Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!
|
|
|
Post by aperratt on Oct 28, 2009 20:33:41 GMT
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
|
|