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Post by angelwings13 on Nov 21, 2007 15:14:11 GMT
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line... Butterball Turkey Talk-Line...
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (''Will it cook faster if I drive faster?''), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ''Turkey Central'' for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ''How do you thaw a fresh turkey?'' The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ''Be prepared'' motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ''I don't know, it's still running around outside.''
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 6, 2007 14:27:48 GMT
Christmas Parrot
A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop... "Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."
"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"
"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."
"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. Let me show you."
The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.." The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. "Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh..." The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the third song."
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."
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Post by delphine on Dec 6, 2007 14:35:56 GMT
That's a good one Angel!
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 6, 2007 22:48:45 GMT
dank je Delphine... I thought it was cute ;D...
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 17, 2007 12:37:10 GMT
AN EMAIL FROM GOD
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When this angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either
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Post by delphine on Dec 17, 2007 14:51:54 GMT
Good one Angel!
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 18, 2007 14:46:04 GMT
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 28, 2007 12:53:27 GMT
COUPLE IN THE CHURCH A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by the husband's snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.
The next week the husband as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th". The wife stuck her husband and he jumped up and exclaimed "Oh my God!". The preacher said " That's correct". The hubby soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?". The wife stuck her husband again when he jumped up and said "Jesus Christ!".The preacher said "Right again".
With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?". THe wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped and exclaimed "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"
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Post by angelwings13 on Jan 11, 2008 22:57:29 GMT
THE GOD IS STOLEN A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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Post by Pinky on Jan 14, 2008 4:20:23 GMT
A Frickin' Elephant
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!' Deep breath .. 'What did you call it?' 'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!' and so it does ...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful? well my sister once aske me , whilst we was visiting the zoo , what an " Orange UTan "was ?? yup its was that famous orange UTan , was an Orang Utan, and my son wanted to know where is O' REgon oooooreee gone its said lol and dont get me started on ARE kansas lol
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Post by angelwings13 on Jan 23, 2008 19:58:59 GMT
Cats and Pills INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
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Post by angelwings13 on Feb 1, 2008 17:21:28 GMT
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.... about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police.....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bi*ches. Don't mess with us, lol
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Post by angelwings13 on Feb 5, 2008 0:06:35 GMT
My sister gave me this, thought I would share it here. It is true...
OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE:
Old folks are worth a fortune: with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs....
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Post by angelwings13 on Feb 19, 2008 14:26:53 GMT
Pregnant Mystery
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"
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Post by angelwings13 on Mar 6, 2008 18:08:04 GMT
When I was a Kid living in 1980
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their crying out loud about how hard things were when they were growing up what, with walking twenty miles to school every morning... and just how difficult life was and how easy it was for us.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! and I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! and we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no frigging idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation or Xbox video games with high-resolution life like 3D graphics! We had the Atari!
With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids' and the graphics sucked! Your guy was just a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you just had it!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 7 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! it was a pain when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Sunday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire.... imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.... You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
(lol, you can just image what us older ones can say about the 1950-1960's)
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Post by Gerda on Mar 16, 2008 14:46:48 GMT
One week for Easter.Tragic Accident!!! Read the message below before viewing the picture!!! For those of you with a weak stomach, Heart Problems and pregnant women don't go any further... He fell from a fair height and on impact he literally split open and his internals came out... You can see the horror on the faces of those around him. If you are strong enough then only proceed, . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Post by angelwings13 on Mar 16, 2008 16:50:11 GMT
roflmao.... Gerda that is a good one, lollllll
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Post by delphine on Mar 16, 2008 21:34:19 GMT
Great!!!
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Post by angelwings13 on Mar 21, 2008 14:13:05 GMT
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Post by Gerda on Mar 23, 2008 13:12:55 GMT
Ha ha, that is cruel. Rofl. lol Poor Easterbunny. ;D
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