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Post by Pinky on Mar 30, 2006 15:01:33 GMT
I love this ... it is soooo true
Dear Wife Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email. John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love, Your Husband
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acme
Medium Mahjong
Posts: 228
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Post by acme on Mar 31, 2006 15:14:28 GMT
Very witty, Pinky!! Sounds as if that lady could use our V & V room-----
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Post by Pinky on Mar 31, 2006 15:54:53 GMT
I think she was playing MTE too much !!!!
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Post by Pinky on Apr 6, 2006 0:20:47 GMT
My good friend emailed me this so i thought I would share it
Subject: LIFE
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.
(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby.
(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then
You finish off as an orgasm !!
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Post by aperratt on Apr 6, 2006 14:26:21 GMT
Mmmm I like the last bit! I always thought I was ageing in reverse anyway. Last year I was only 21. Mind you, I was 21 the year before that. And the year before that..........
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Post by Pinky on Apr 13, 2006 0:03:47 GMT
soo funny How To Give a Cat a pill Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table. 15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 13, 2006 15:30:30 GMT
Pinky, thank you so much for the jokes. I almost wet myself laughing, I got tears running down my face. If anyone walked by the door they could hear me laughing would think I'm nuts because no one is home with me right now, lmao... Angel
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Post by rammie on Apr 13, 2006 17:41:24 GMT
That was too funny.. anyone who owns a cat can appreciate that one. If you've ever had to give a cat a pill it probably isn't too far fetched..Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath?
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Post by acmea on Apr 13, 2006 21:30:08 GMT
Yes--bought cat-shampoo, let her smell it--told her how beautiful she would be as a clean kitty---nice warm water---and she tolerated it quite well, as long as I didn't get water in her ears, eyes, or nose!!!
Likes very much being clean, beautifully wrapped up in a towel---but really yowls alot!! And of course, I get soaked. but you know, I really think she really likes it!!! Lots of purring afterwards--------
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Post by Pinky on Apr 13, 2006 23:45:07 GMT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog Sorry all Cat lovers I found this on a joke site!!!! WooF
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 14, 2006 14:46:35 GMT
Here's a joke that was sent to me. Please it's only a joke nothing against any priests.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following not on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated 5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the nuts out of him 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace befor a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
I hope everyone had a great laugh, it's all in fun. Angel
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Post by aperratt on Apr 14, 2006 23:01:12 GMT
Now that I've wiped the tears from my eyes I can say I really enjoyed that angelwings. ;D ;D
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Post by Pinky on Apr 15, 2006 2:56:39 GMT
I like that one .. .. hic
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 15, 2006 14:10:00 GMT
Here's a site for great jokes. www.tcastle.com/jokes.html . Their jokes are great. Really check out the tech support ones. I know you will have a good laugh with all of these. Angel
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 27, 2006 18:10:57 GMT
I think we all will have fun with this one. There was once a young man who in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for mirosoft, writing error messages. I guess his dream came true, lmao... Angel
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Post by Gerda on Apr 28, 2006 18:01:05 GMT
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Post by aperratt on Apr 28, 2006 22:24:18 GMT
Where can u buy one of these. I could really use one for my cats.
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 29, 2006 14:45:28 GMT
A friend sent me this one for all you women. Men, if you have someone in your life you will understand this one.
The Rules
1- The Female always makes the Rules.
2- The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3- No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4- If the Female suspects the male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all the Rules.
5- The Female, is NEVER wrong.
6- If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7- If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8- The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9- The Male must never change his mind without prior written consent from the Female.
10- The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11- The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12- The Female must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13- Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.
14- If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void.
You know all of us women have used some of these at one time or another. lol... Angel
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 29, 2006 14:47:50 GMT
Gerda, are you selling them, lol... I really need to buy one for my son. He's down to 3 cats, 1 dog, 3 rabbits and a horse. That is so funny. Angel
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Post by Gerda on Apr 29, 2006 15:08:22 GMT
Buy it in the pet shop. They're next to the mice with bells and whistles.
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