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Post by angelwings13 on Mar 25, 2008 16:33:35 GMT
Legal Laughs
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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Post by angelwings13 on Apr 15, 2008 12:02:07 GMT
Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."
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Post by delphine on May 5, 2008 11:35:59 GMT
• Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
• A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?” Granny replies, “F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!”
• Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, “Dad, what’s love juice?” Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex while Billy just sits there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, “So what were you watching?” Billy says, “Wimbledon!”
• A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, “I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.” He replies, “Your eyesight is perfect!”
• Wife gets naked and asks hubby, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies, “Your sense of humour!”
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Post by angelwings13 on May 5, 2008 11:43:59 GMT
Delphine, roflamo this is so funny....
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Post by Gerda on May 5, 2008 18:32:23 GMT
Hi Angel. What does BB mean? I always enjoy reading this topic. Please keep them coming. Those of Delphine really made me laugh today.
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Post by angelwings13 on May 5, 2008 18:46:50 GMT
in that joke they are talking about a BB gun. BB is a very small metal ball that is shoot out of the gun. I hope that helped.
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Post by Gerda on May 6, 2008 15:37:40 GMT
Yes, it helped. lol. Thanks. I learn a lot around here.
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Post by angelwings13 on May 6, 2008 18:13:41 GMT
Gerda, that picture is so cute... ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by angelwings13 on May 8, 2008 15:20:13 GMT
Do As I Please?
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."
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Post by aperratt on May 9, 2008 0:25:09 GMT
This is too good not to share with you all. And it's true, check it out on google.
There are many phobias in the world, but the funniest and most contradictary is Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
Any guesses?
Its......
wait for it.......................
The fear of long words!!!!!!
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Post by angelwings13 on May 9, 2008 11:44:12 GMT
lol, that is a good one Andy... I guess you would have a fear, who wants to spell that or say it....
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Post by angelwings13 on May 13, 2008 11:50:22 GMT
Lucky Shot
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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Post by delphine on May 16, 2008 6:23:59 GMT
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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Post by angelwings13 on May 16, 2008 11:40:17 GMT
Delphine, the is great, roflmao.........
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Post by angelwings13 on May 28, 2008 12:56:50 GMT
God creates Woman.
Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs
God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.
God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!
(Looking at her hand...)
Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?
***POOF*** Man was created.
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Post by delphine on May 28, 2008 13:46:24 GMT
Good one Angel
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 4, 2008 12:41:50 GMT
Cough Treatment
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Post by aperratt on Jun 20, 2008 8:41:52 GMT
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You idiot of course it's familiar, it's me!'
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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Post by angelwings13 on Jun 20, 2008 11:47:27 GMT
ROFLMAOOOOOOOO
Love the jokes Andy......
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Post by delphine on Jun 20, 2008 13:54:02 GMT
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