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Post by aperratt on Sept 26, 2008 9:56:44 GMT
Man walks into a dentist and asks how much for 2 extractions.
Dentist: "£200"
Man: "That's a bit costly, can you bring it down a bit? Pain is no issue, how much for no anaesthetic?"
Dentist: "Erm i could bring it down to £150 with no anaesthetic"
Man: "Still too much. Who's that over there?"
Dentist: "That's the trainee"
Man: "How much if he pulls the teeth out, be a practical lesson for him?"
Dentist: "That would bring it down to £100"
Man: "Still a bit too much. How about if all the other trainees come and watch, it would be a live demonstration and lesson for them?"
Dentist: "Could do it for 50 quid"
Man: "That's more like it., so, no anaesthetic, trainee pulling the teeth and all the others watching, £50, right?"
Dentist: "Right"
Man: "Great, can I make an appointment for the wife for next week?"
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Post by aperratt on Sept 26, 2008 10:15:56 GMT
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!"
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Post by angelwings13 on Sept 26, 2008 12:00:15 GMT
roflmao.... loved them Andy, especially doing the math, lol... Great seeing you around....
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Post by aperratt on Sept 26, 2008 16:10:49 GMT
I'm always here Angel, I just hide in the background. And if you saw what I saw every morning in the mirror you'd know why lol.
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Post by angelwings13 on Sept 26, 2008 20:14:16 GMT
I know I see you peeking in some times ;D... mornings are bad on most of us, lol.... it's great seeing you post ...
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Post by aperratt on Oct 5, 2008 22:38:03 GMT
No doubt you will all have heard of the banking crisis sweeping the globe. Well now the Japanese banks are being hit too:
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.
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Post by angelwings13 on Oct 6, 2008 13:53:19 GMT
good one, Andy.... we all need a laugh right now with what is going on with banks. Do you have any good ones for american banks ;D....
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Post by angelwings13 on Oct 18, 2008 21:52:31 GMT
DON'T FART IN BED
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when he awoke, even louder than the night before. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. To which, he only laughed. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkeyinnards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned meand I didn't listen to you. God, I feel horrible." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one-day I would end up farting my gutsout, and today it finally happened." "Oh No!" his wife his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold back the laughter, "Are you okay honey?" "Yeah, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan. "But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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Post by aperratt on Nov 7, 2008 11:07:42 GMT
One day a wife saw her husband mulling over their marriage certificate. Thinking he was reminiscing about the big event she left him to it.
Some time later he was still there, reading over it carefully.
"What are you looking for?" she asked
He sighed and said "I can't find the expiry date"
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Post by angelwings13 on Nov 7, 2008 15:30:54 GMT
lol... good one... Andy...
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Post by aperratt on Dec 12, 2008 23:03:24 GMT
Sometimes it's the silly ones that make you smile:
What is green, round and wears shorts?
A Brussel scout
Who's the coolest person at a hospital?
The ultra sound guy
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.'
And he replied: 'It's OK, I'll give you some cream for that.'
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered
Two oranges walk into a bar...
One says to other: 'You're round.'
What did the letter say to the stamp?
Stick to me and we'll go places
A man goes to see his Doctor and says: 'Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.'
The Doctors takes a look and replies: 'That's only the tip of the iceberg.'
What happened to the hyena which fell into a pot of gravy?
He made a laughing stock of himself
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs
Who is the most famous Russian billiard player?
Inoff the Red
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 15, 2008 23:17:51 GMT
Christmas Parrot
A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop... "Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."
"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"
"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."
"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you."
The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.." The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. "Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh..." The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the third song."
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 16, 2008 15:52:01 GMT
The Week Before Christmas
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and paste The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash The one who was leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name
''Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string -Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer, But the children ignored it they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree Then came the bell and the children were free. Their shrill little voices soon faded away And peace was restored at the end of the day. As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
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Post by aperratt on Dec 16, 2008 22:22:00 GMT
The Morning after the Office Party.
Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning. As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. "
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from mum and breakfast waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table £250 Hot Breakfast £3.50 Two Aspirins 20p Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS!
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 16, 2008 22:46:30 GMT
LOLLLL, Andy that is a good one and yes priceless
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Post by angelwings13 on Dec 24, 2008 1:15:38 GMT
Santa's Bad Day One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
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Post by delphine on Dec 24, 2008 8:40:58 GMT
Very good one Angelwings!
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Post by angelwings13 on Jan 5, 2009 13:34:34 GMT
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
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Post by aperratt on Jan 7, 2009 1:16:28 GMT
The following are genuine articles taken from the small ads in newspapers from around the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything!
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted, man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbour's dog.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.[/color]
I like the sound of that last one!! lol.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jan 7, 2009 14:56:52 GMT
Bra Types
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
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