Jokes and other funny stuff

[aperratt]

Nice one.

I'm going to take my life in my hands and show you all why we men have much to say on the subject of women drivers....



And just in case there was further evidence needed...



Now where did I put my brave pills. I need a top-up.

[angelwings13]

Andy you will get a good laugh out of this one. The top picture I'm looking at it, yes it's circled, but I don't notice the car . So I say to my husband I don't get it. Okkkkkkk Andy, you can stop laughing, my husband then pointed out the car . So you got that one.... Luckly I don't know how to parallel park,lol ;D

[aperratt]

The prosecution rests its case!!

[angelwings13]

Sorry Ladies



This one is my stupidity.

[Pinky]

ok with my eyesight .... erm what car? you mean there was cars there ? I didn't see them , anyone seen my GLASSES!!!!!!

[angelwings13]

If Men Truly Ran The World...


Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words... "Ally McNaked."
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

[aperratt]

admin said:

ok with my eyesight .... erm what car? you mean there was cars there ? I didn't see them , anyone seen my GLASSES!!!!!!

Yes pinky, they're on the monitor. That's the big square of light in front of you

Gosh, those brave pills really work!

[aperratt]

angelwings13 said:

If Men Truly Ran The World...

Erm... I don't get this. They all seem perfectly good to me!!!

[angelwings13]

Hmmmm they would seem perfect to you . Da a man thing, lol...

Now I rest my case ;D

But ask the women in here, roflmao....

[angelwings13]

A list of redneck computer terms

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

[angelwings13]

tweety on his brave pills . Way to go tweey.

[aperratt]

He's fwattened that naughty puddy tat.

[angelwings13]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you b*****d, r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you b*****d, r-r-run will you!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run you b*****d, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[angelwings13]

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

[angelwings13]

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[aperratt]

Ok I got something here to tickle your braincells with. I would like you to look at the following and say out loud what you see. Look again if neccessary. The answers are at the bottom, just click and drag over the spaces next to the numbers to read them. Try not to look at the answers until you are satisfied with what you've seen.


1.


2.


3.


4.


Answers

Ok, here are the answers. Remember to click your mouse and drag it over the space after the number:

1. You will no doubt have seen the word "Good", but did you notice that the white spaces in between spell out "Evil". Proof that good and evil co-exist!


2. This one was a bit easier I reckon. The word "Teach" is clear, but the word "Learn" is spelled out in the reflection.


3. This on was a bit tricky. The yellow spells out the word "Optical" and the background spells "Illusion". Clever eh?


4. Last but not least a very sweet message for all you lovers. In between "Me" is "You". Truelly joined together.

[angelwings13]

I know I'm crazy to post this one, lol... But it was so funny I had too..

www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0001591.html

Ok, Andy go for it, ;D.

[angelwings13]

I loved this one, alot of fun.. I got the first words, but didn't see the second word on them until I checked.. This is great. Yes, I like number 4 the most.

[angelwings13]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter in the address, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[aperratt]

He he I like that one.

Two men were playing golf for money. When they reached the 18th green there was $5000 waiting for the winner. As the first man leaned over the ball and lined up his putt, which would surely win the game for him, a funeral procession passed nearby. The man stopped what he was doing, stood up, took his cap off and bowed to the leading hearse.

"That was a very nice gesture" said the second man "Considering what's at stake here"

"Well" said the first man "she wasn't a bad wife after all"