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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 5, 2006 22:48:31 GMT
Good one hmmmmmmm, my hubby is a golfer, lol....
I guess you didn't check out the joke at the top. Because I thought by now you would have busted our butts on that one. LOL ;D
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Post by aperratt on Jul 5, 2006 23:27:37 GMT
I guess you didn't check out the joke at the top. Because I thought by now you would have busted our butts on that one. LOL ;D Actually I did, but I thought I'd keep that one for another day. I like to keep some ammunition in reserve!!
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Post by aperratt on Jul 6, 2006 0:53:01 GMT
These are genuine signs from around the world:
-In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 6, 2006 1:12:26 GMT
I had tears with all the laughing from this one.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 6, 2006 1:17:03 GMT
A boy and his father, who were visiting from a third world country, were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, steel walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother!"
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Post by aperratt on Jul 6, 2006 12:42:16 GMT
He he he, I like that.
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 6, 2006 17:44:32 GMT
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Post by delphine on Jul 6, 2006 18:22:04 GMT
You've got mail A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
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Post by aperratt on Jul 6, 2006 21:25:26 GMT
I though that was just a general female thing, not restricted to blondes......
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 6, 2006 21:52:22 GMT
I think this is all men, lol..
His and her road trips HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
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Post by delphine on Jul 6, 2006 21:55:03 GMT
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Post by aperratt on Jul 6, 2006 22:02:19 GMT
Why do I get the feeling you're all ganging up on me?
Pinky, come back and help me...........second thoughts, she'll only take your side anyway.
Ok, I'm off to the female joke site.......I'll be back (as a famous actor said).
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 6, 2006 22:09:29 GMT
Delphine we are not ganging up on Andy. Just men in general... By the way that one is great...
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Post by delphine on Jul 8, 2006 8:35:37 GMT
for Andy to let him now that we girls are not ganging up on him: Some people Make the world Special just by being in it
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Post by aperratt on Jul 8, 2006 22:40:06 GMT
Aww that is so sweet ladies. Thank you.
I'm all shy now......
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 10, 2006 0:00:46 GMT
Delphine I agree with you about Andy. He is special to all of us. We just like having fun with him, lol.... ;D
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 10, 2006 3:33:11 GMT
K9 is for assistance
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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Post by delphine on Jul 11, 2006 15:19:38 GMT
Getting a wee bit deaf
Man went to his doctor saying that he thought his wife was deaf but did not want to upset her by asking direct, what could he do?
The doctor said, "Go into the room and, if his wife had her back to him, just say something in a normal voice and move forward saying the same thing until she hears".
The man went home and, finding his wife at the kitchen sink with her back to him said, "What's for dinner dear?".
No reply, so he moved forward and repeated, "What's for dinner dear?". Still no reply.
Moves still nearer and again says "What's for dinner dear?". Still no acknowledgement.
He then positions himself just a foot behind her and again says "What's for dinner dear?".
She answers, "For the fourth time, shepherds pie!".
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 11, 2006 15:29:17 GMT
LOL, Delphine.. ;D
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Post by angelwings13 on Jul 11, 2006 15:33:21 GMT
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.
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